04.07.2025 Dreams.

I have been sleeping awfully again and ive been very physically sick. Every time I sleep even if its just for an hour, i get these vivid stressful dreams that leave me confused with a racing heart as soon as I wake up. Even worse are the ones that seem so real that it might as well be an actual memory; when your head doesnt work in the right way, its hard to differentiate reality from dreams. Ive had this dream that I seemingly had for years, too graphic to describe here with the amount of Triggerwarnings I'd have to add; that dream seemed like something that actually happened and I was so sure of it too despite that being completely impossible and nonsensical. I also get the classic nightmares, at least with them I sleep through the night but they make me afraid to close my eyes again. I wish there was a drug that would ensure you never dream anything again. Ive been sleeping too much, the hours im awake I cant stop being tired and I feel so nauseous. Its a bit reactive and overly dramatic but this state of existence makes me wish for death sometimes; when it gets bad.
Next week I will spent some time in the hospital again, I doubt theyll help me there and I also feel as if its too much effort to really go into all the things that are wrong with me and need fixing. I cant stand authority figures either or anyone who thinks they can make decisions regarding me, so these environments are stressful by default.
While I was asleep throughout the day my cat slept next to my bed with me the whole time, which was nice. Apart from that I also managed to code for around an hour; today wasnt too terrible.
Im thinking about dying again. I havent taken some of my meds because I'm scared of the side effects so clearly I'm not ready to die yet.
Im not proof reading this.

27.06.2025 Priorities.

I had one of these extremely uncomfortable psych interviews today, it went well overall though, so I guess thats something. I try my best to structure my day in a productive way but it isnt going great at the moment. Despite trying not to waste time or just sit around and stare at a wall all day, I only really get active around the night time. Its Midnight when I'm coding this page; its not like I have anywhere to be tmr; but my doc didnt give me my perscription for the meds that knock me out; so I will probably be awake till 7am. Fun.
Hopefully I will get some other things done this night; such as finishing any art for artfight; I just currently enjoy coding more despite it taking forever and eating up my time. I will be off my meds for around 3-4 days, might feel ill because of it but im not too worried. My hands hurt from practicing guitar. I really want to code an "About me" page but I'm planning on making it more visually interesting which means aquiring skills I dont currently have and spending hours on it. Not exactly productive.
What I will hopefully get done today is figuring out how to fill the empty space on my index page; might just make an update / log feed tbh. Especially because I update all my collection pages daily; at least the ones that are already coded into existence.
I still havent decided how open or unfiltered I will be on here, considering its generally not great to just give away too much information about yourself, but I'd like to feel authentic on here; its just that I know that authenticty (?) Im sure i misspelled that; anyways I dont think it would be too well received and I dont know if I want this to be linkable to my real person. Ignore the Fluttershy Bong picture; I had to check if it was floating in the way I wanted it to.

Is this hard to read? The green font on black; I think its nice on the eyes but I wouldnt want no one to ever read this because they cant stand the color combination. Sidenote a lot of these Links dont work yet but thats because the link to specific posts on this page; considering theres only one thats an actual blog post and the rest just being filler most of them are useless for now. (The Bottom one works fine and the Top one does technically take you to the top of the page; its just not neccessary due to the lack of content to have an auto clicker for that.) Maybe I should have made a link for June; I might actually post things here in the next few days.