17.08.2025 Fuck this Shit.

I had So fucked Up Dreams I didnt sleep well at all. Why Do i Dream in intrusive Thoughts??? Literal Death Gore Pedophilia in A constant Loop.
I Think Teeth pain can drive you crazy. I ran out of Pain Meds and its Been a Journey. My Day wasnt even that Bad but its Like it didnt even happy. So that Sucks. I dont want to Weekend to End, Weekends Feel safer than Weekdays. I also Dont want to go back to Studying soon, Every week or so I think about just Quitting School and Starting a tattoo Apprenticeship. Probably the Equivalent of Women Dying their Hair a New color Whenever they have a Breakdown. My Teeth (or Lack thereof) Hurt so Bad fucking Hell.
Coding is too frustrating and I cant focus on it today. Feels Like i Didnt Take my Meds but Im pretty sure I took them this Morning. I havent eaten Enough but my appetite is non existent. Probably adds to my awful Mood.
Im less Mad about the borderline thing, explained it to me and while I still dont think I got BPD I suppose its not just cause I chopped my Skin up.

13.08.2025 Dentist.

Off the antipsychotics again, the doctors still want me on some sort of antipsychotic because "im not trusting other people", complete bullshit.
My teeth got taken out today which is cool I guess. Hurts like Shit right now and will probably get even worse. Im stressed out constantly and theres a ton I worry about every day. Some days it makes me want to end it just because being alive is so exhausting.
Apart from that things havent been too bad, made new art that I havent posted anywhere yet and spending time with my girlfriend was nice too. Im mostly spending my time either painting, playing palia or adding new stamps and blinkies to my archives at the moment.

I almost forgot about this but the fucking doctors are trying to diagnose me with borderline just because I have old Selfharm scars. Straight up I dont meet the critera for the disorder but cause my body is covered in Scars they put me into a fucking box. Nothing makes me more mad than shit like that, what did they study for if they'll just diagnose whatever they feel like. At this point even selfdiagnosis would be more accurate.

01.08.2025 Picture Dump.

First Day of a New Month, huzzah.
I did some cool Things today, not much to say; very Anxious of what comes tomorrow but so far so Good. Im also persistently angry at Everything and Anyone around me.
(Open the Picture in a new tab for better resolution.) I drew this at the psych ward. Huge fan of drawing Teeth in general But I barely do it. All Organs are lovely to me. Hopefully I will manage to go to the atelier on Saturday; I have been feeling very creative recently which is a nice Change. Also got to take my meds soon.
Getting my anger under control hasnt really been too sucessful; its still hard to let go of it and also be calm enough to not randomly snap at People. If I find the time tomorrow or on Sunday I might make the page for my art. Considering the Amount of Things I am creating (due to being forced because I have nothing else to do) it wont be empty. My Speech and writing is probably less connected or clear than usual, I feel scatttered mentally.

31.07.2025 Persistent headache.

Discord fucked my account last week so that was fun. Only deleted a server I was in and flagged my account for the foreseeable future.
Im on meds theyd give to schizophrenics without the schizophrenia, apartly being an asshole counts as a mental disorder.
Apart from that everything has been decent, got some new friends and also did more in depth work with tarot after half a year of not doing much. Mainly read the cards for others because I much prefer that over reading my own. There hasnt been much interesting going on in my life or in my mind. Lots of things I had to work on and sucessfully fixed. Also realized that I make a great first impression and people outside of myself and the online space think of me as a confident, intelligent and talented person. Most of these things are things I believe to be true too, its just overwhelmingly nice to know people that dont even know me see me this way.
Id really like to work on my website more but i dont have the time or the mental energy to do much more than these posts that dont require much coding.

20.07.2025 Decisions.

They want to put me on a low dose of antipsychotics, Aripiprazole, which I dont think will help nor do i need. Still have to decide if I try them out or not though. These past Days skinning to purge myself of this constant strain that is my Life has been popping up in my mind quite frequently. Frustratingly theres no real reason for my misery, nothing bad has happened and overall its better than usual.
Looking up Aripiprazole online Only tells you that its mainly used for schizophrenia, mania and bipolar disorders. None of those things apply in any way to me whatsoever. I dont necessarily think the doctors are bad at their job; but I do Think theyre prone to Mistakes and misunderstanding Things. I dont think i will sleep much today, staying awake gives me the fickle feeling of control; despite it worsening basically everything.
Going out more frequently and interacting with people (even if its just based on circumstance) has lead to me making at least one new friend and getting invited to several social gatherings. Every few hours I think about how much i regret this and how Id much rather be left Alone but I know ultimately this Could be an opportunity to get more accustomed to other people.
I feel like I am still caught between extremes and That no matter What Something will always be lacking when I do good with another Thing. I feel like I havent been existing properly for the last two weeks but at the same Time I have been talking to so many more people than usual and done way more Activities. It just doesnt seem worth it sometimes.

04.07.2025 Dreams.

I have been sleeping awfully again and ive been very physically sick. Every time I sleep even if its just for an hour, i get these vivid stressful dreams that leave me confused with a racing heart as soon as I wake up. Even worse are the ones that seem so real that it might as well be an actual memory; when your head doesnt work in the right way, its hard to differentiate reality from dreams. Ive had this dream that I seemingly had for years, too graphic to describe here with the amount of Triggerwarnings I'd have to add; that dream seemed like something that actually happened and I was so sure of it too despite that being completely impossible and nonsensical. I also get the classic nightmares, at least with them I sleep through the night but they make me afraid to close my eyes again. I wish there was a drug that would ensure you never dream anything again. Ive been sleeping too much, the hours im awake I cant stop being tired and I feel so nauseous. Its a bit reactive and overly dramatic but this state of existence makes me wish for death sometimes; when it gets bad.
Next week I will spent some time in the hospital again, I doubt theyll help me there and I also feel as if its too much effort to really go into all the things that are wrong with me and need fixing. I cant stand authority figures either or anyone who thinks they can make decisions regarding me, so these environments are stressful by default.
While I was asleep throughout the day my cat slept next to my bed with me the whole time, which was nice. Apart from that I also managed to code for around an hour; today wasnt too terrible.
Im thinking about dying again. I havent taken some of my meds because I'm scared of the side effects so clearly I'm not ready to die yet.
Im not proof reading this.

27.06.2025 Priorities.

I had one of these extremely uncomfortable psych interviews today, it went well overall though, so I guess thats something. I try my best to structure my day in a productive way but it isnt going great at the moment. Despite trying not to waste time or just sit around and stare at a wall all day, I only really get active around the night time. Its Midnight when I'm coding this page; its not like I have anywhere to be tmr; but my doc didnt give me my perscription for the meds that knock me out; so I will probably be awake till 7am. Fun.
Hopefully I will get some other things done this night; such as finishing any art for artfight; I just currently enjoy coding more despite it taking forever and eating up my time. I will be off my meds for around 3-4 days, might feel ill because of it but im not too worried. My hands hurt from practicing guitar. I really want to code an "About me" page but I'm planning on making it more visually interesting which means aquiring skills I dont currently have and spending hours on it. Not exactly productive.
What I will hopefully get done today is figuring out how to fill the empty space on my index page; might just make an update / log feed tbh. Especially because I update all my collection pages daily; at least the ones that are already coded into existence.
I still havent decided how open or unfiltered I will be on here, considering its generally not great to just give away too much information about yourself, but I'd like to feel authentic on here; its just that I know that authenticty (?) Im sure i misspelled that; anyways I dont think it would be too well received and I dont know if I want this to be linkable to my real person. Ignore the Fluttershy Bong picture; I had to check if it was floating in the way I wanted it to.

Is this hard to read? The green font on black; I think its nice on the eyes but I wouldnt want no one to ever read this because they cant stand the color combination. Sidenote a lot of these Links dont work yet but thats because the link to specific posts on this page; considering theres only one thats an actual blog post and the rest just being filler most of them are useless for now. (The Bottom one works fine and the Top one does technically take you to the top of the page; its just not neccessary due to the lack of content to have an auto clicker for that.) Maybe I should have made a link for June; I might actually post things here in the next few days.